“Are you okay?” she asked. “How can I help?”
There was no way she could help. It felt like everything was slipping away from me.
I’m sitting across from the girl I’m dating in a dingy, dimly-lit bar, a tall sweating glass sitting between us. I’m drinking it. I’m stressed out beyond belief because of my job, and trying to pound my brain into submission with alcohol, because I can’t stand the anxiety anymore.
I realized in that moment that I was self-medicating with alcohol.
“This is really dumb,” I thought to myself. “As long as I’m self-medicating, why don’t I try the good stuff?”
So I tried the good stuff. And it was better than alcohol.
But I still wanted to be more free.
I believe all men are on a journey to be more free. Free from dependence on alcohol, drugs and chemicals of any kind to manage their moods.
Even if we don’t take drugs, many of us still self-manage with movies, TV watching and video games. Anything to alter a depressive or anxious state.
These self-management skills are actually the right thing to do. When we’re in a bad state, we know we have to change that state. But drinking, taking drugs, watching porn, or smoking to manage our states are doing more harm than good.
Our challenge is to learn state management strategies that build us up, rather than tear us down. Until we can do that, we’ll be locked into the strategies that work “well enough” — even if they are doing more damage to us in the long term.
If there are too many poisons in our bodies and consciousness, the peace and joy in us will not be strong enough to make us happy. So the first step is to identify and recognize the poisons that are already in us.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
We live in a very toxic world. Our world — except for some very specific religious communities – has largely forgotten the cultivation of peace & joy, and is instead drawn into a cycle of toxin use & abuse. This covers everything from how we grow our food with excess fertilizer, to how we consume our lungs and heart by smoking, or risk peace of mind with sexual misconduct.
ALCOHOL
Western culture is very uncomfortable with honesty, so we unlock it with alcohol. That allows us to “get honest” and then have an excuse for our behavior later “Don’t take it seriously, we were drunk“.
This is an adolescent attitude that we can’t afford to indulge in any longer. Too much suffering is caused by the fact that we give up on our standards of behavior when we’re under the influence of alcohol. A gentleman can’t stay a gentleman while under the influence.
Plus, many people drink alcohol and then drive cars, endangering their own lives and the lives of others, and taking over 10,000 lives a year in the U.S. alone.
TOBACCO
When we smoke or ingest tobacco, we are eating our own lungs — and also our tongue, lips, mouth, esophagus. Smoking is a pollution of the body, closely mirroring how we burn and “smoke” the lungs of the earth for temporary pleasure. China is currently experiencing a widespread public health disaster because it is “smoking” itself to death by burning coal.
A Fierce Gentleman I know reviewed this article and asked: “I like to have one cigar or pipe, once a year, to celebrate. Isn’t this OK?”
One day a year is better than 365 days a year. But best is zero days per year, if you can manage.
Everyone should do their best. If your best is to cut down from one pack a day to half-a-pack a day, that’s a great start. When you’re ready, you’ll be able to do even better.
OTHER DRUGS
There are certain native cultures that use a psychoactive substance as part of a rite of passage. This use of psychoactive substances may be helpful in this context.
But to use these same substances recreationally, to escape from the pain and suffering of life, is a distraction. It is a life raft that you will not always have. If you are on a long voyage, and the ship is sinking just offshore but there are no lifeboats left, wouldn’t it be better to know how to swim?
There are other practices that can be more successful and durable in helping you deal with the pain and suffering of life. Meditation is one. Prayer is another. We turn to psychoactive substances for the same reason we turn to casual or escapist sex; we yearn for reunification with the Divine but have no other way to access it. A spiritual practice can bring you back into contact with the Divine, with that which is greater than yourself, and once you feel that connection you won’t feel a need for these things anymore.
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT
Misconduct is any conduct where the ego is driving the interaction. Sexual misconduct is ego-driven sexual behavior.
We all seek total reunification and we channel this need into sex, but it is a spiritual lack we feel.
The reason that sexual misconduct is so rampant is that loneliness & spiritual lack is rampant in our world. We’re very disconnected from each other, and there is so much sexual energy in advertising and media that we imagine that if had more sex, we’d feel more connected.
But we’re wrong about this. As Thich Nhat Hanh says: “The belief that having a sexual relationship will help us feel less lonely is a kind of superstition. We should not be fooled by it. In fact, we will feel more lonely afterwards.”
Sexual energy is potent and sacred. As a man, you have the power to repopulate an entire continent. As a woman, you have the power to dissolve both you and your partner into blissful Oneness.
Spending that energy on fantasies is a baseless practice. As a man, there is nothing in it for you — apart from feelings of depletion, lack of focus, irritability, & diminished Presence. Spend that energy casually and without communication has a good chance of leading to suffering.
Sexual energy is not dirty or bad; in fact, it is one of the most powerful and creative energies we can use as human beings. Through it we can touch a dimension of existence that is not available to our five senses. Through it we can gain awareness of deep spiritual truths.
But we can also misuse it for the ego’s small sense of gratification, which will always leave us feeling empty and desperate afterward.
If you are very conscious and very clear in your communication, you can join with a partner and have fun with sexual energy, and it can restore and re-energize both of you. But for this to be possible, you both need to be 100% present, conscious and communicative. There must be awareness and openness, real nakedness, for you to use the sacred energy of sexuality this way, and in this case you should consecrate your union to something greater than the two of you.
Don’t let yourself be fooled. Now that’ve read these words the ego will make a strong attempt to say “I am being 100% conscious, compassionate, open and naked with this partner, so we can have fun and fool around, with no consequences,” but it’s possible this is a smokescreen, and you’re not being 100% honest. To be 100% honest, you need to say what’s in your deepest heart, and usually this will sound extremely awkward and make you scared the other person will walk away and think you’re a terrible person.
If you go ahead and say this anyway, you’re on the right track. And the other person may leave. That’s okay; at least you practiced.
CLEANING UP YOUR LIFE, CLEANING UP THE WORLD
All of these vices are interlocking. Breathing smoke hurts your lungs and heart, making it harder to breathe deeply and fully and oxygenate your whole body for maximum health & Presence; drinking alcohol poisons your brain and vital organs, making it harder to think and making it more likely you will lose control and act in a manner unbecoming a Fierce Gentleman, especially in the misuse of sexual energy. And sexual misconduct disperses your energy, disrespects other people, and can easily cause suffering in someone else, and in yourself.
If you are like most American men, and you’ve spent a lifetime in sexual misconduct — not willfully or maliciously, but because that is what society trains you to do. If you want to make amends, one way is to help clean up the world for both men & women. One area where there is great need right now is sex trafficking. Millions of young girls are sold into sex slavery yearly all over the globe. These same young women could go to school instead, and they need sponsors to do that.
Another area that needs more attention is family planning: by empowering young girls to get an education and have an option in life apart from subsistence farming and having babies, we will create a world of the future where there are fewer mouths to feed, and there can be more material prosperity for all. (You can find out more on the Movement’s Giving page.)
If you feel any guilt about past sexual misconduct, or any substance abuse, let the guilt go. But give back to the community in a concrete way so you can water the seeds of freedom in other people as well.
To live a Fierce Gentleman lifestyle is a practice. You don’t have to be perfect, but you can make your best effort, every day, and you can keep practicing every day. Nobody can ask for more than that.
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Also published on Medium.