October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. During this month (and all throughout the year) it’s important that we speak openly about all relational violence not only as it relates to women, but also as it relates to men.

Nearly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men relate being raped, and 1 in 20 adults experience some type of sexual trauma in their lifetimes. In reality, these numbers are probably much higher.

Relationships are where much of the violence and abuse takes place, and relationships are also where they can be healed.

Recently, Tyler Perry spoke about his experiences of physical and sexual abuse in early life:

It’s powerful to hear a man like Tyler speak about this experience. We can’t heal our relationships unless both men and women are able to speak freely about the ways they’ve been wounded, in the interest of moving past the pain and into fuller expression of themselves.

You don’t have to go through the same level of abuse that Mr. Perry did in order to carry sexual wounds. I would say that the majority of men carry some level of sexual wounding, even if it’s just the pain of a collective unconsciousness from a gender-mind that has perpetrated so much violence. Both male and female genders have been the cause of much violence, although of different types.

There is hope. Healing is possible.  And relationships are a catalyst for healing.

As a woman, it’s important to bring compassion into the relationship and understand that many of your man’s sexual hangups (or even outright dysfunction) may spring from this place.

In many cases, your man many not be aware of this original wounding himself.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s approach is a fantastic template for response to any evidence of sexual dysfunction or wounding: “My darling, I know that you are hurting, and that is why I am here for you.”

If he’s not willing or able to talk about it right away, give him space — but be willing to revisit it. If it’s an encumbrance to the fullest expression of love, at some point you’ll have to face it together, or you’ll have to accept a limited relationship.

This may be his only chance. He may leave you, go into another relationship (or no relationship), and it may never come up again. You have to be firm about this because it may be his one shot. It may be the reason you two are together.

The pain & shame of physical or sexual trauma can be a deep well, full of rage and pain. We may want to abandon others and be alone. We may want to paint a whole gender with a simplified brush. We may hate ourselves.

It’s helpful to remind ourselves:

• It wasn’t our fault. We didn’t do anything to bring this on ourselves.
• We can move past it. Healing is at hand. We don’t have to be limited by these scars our whole life.
• We deserve to be happy, and to have full expression of all aspects of our selves.

There are many paths to healing. You may want talk therapy, or journaling to heal, or meditation, or a sexological body worker.

Whatever you do, don’t give up. Listen to your healing instinct. You deserve happiness, as much as anyone. It’s your  birthright to be seen, to be listened to, to be appreciated, to be met where you are at, and to harness your own sexual-creative power for the ends you want to turn it to.

Your power cannot be stolen. Your greatness cannot be diminished, no matter what happened to you. Remember that. 

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