Advanced Etiquette & Decorum

A while back, we wrote an article on Etiquette 101 on request, but the readers just couldn’t get enough . . . so we’re back with a choice sampler of “Advanced” etiquette & decorum.

Truly advanced etiquette can (& does) regularly fill large tomes. Rather than replicate all that musty knowledge here, we’ve selected the most commonly-requested and broadly-applicable topics that will polish your social graces to an acceptably-high percentile level, without forcing you to shut yourself in for a weekend and memorize fork sizes.

It occurs to me that the reason most people want to learn about etiquette is really anxiety: they’re afraid of making faux pas in front of others, who will then judge them, leading to lost opportunities — romantic, professional, or otherwise.

Well, I’m here to tell you you probably don’t need to be anxious. If you’re the type of gentleman or lady who thinks, “Hmm, I should probably check out this article post on advanced etiquette” you’re probably not the oafish boor who is prone to overindulgence and under-thanking.

So although I have plowed through numerous tomes on gentlemanly etiquette in order to ensure due justice to the topic at hand (and I present a useful selection for further reading at the conclusion of the post), I can assure you that your ability to behave appropriately in ceremonial situations relies more on your global wit and innate sense of humor, fairness and kindness than the fiddly rules of forks.

However, because Fierce Gentlemen — as a group — are all about their business of facing demons, adoring women, and saving the world, they have a better-than-average chance of being invited to some highly ceremonial occasion, so it makes sense to lodge the most foundational of these rules in your primal brain for on-the-fly recall.

Now — with all that preamble out of the way — here are the choicest tidbits from the available literature:

Cell phone essentials. The proper smart phone etiquette is that nobody should know you own a cell phone. (Tweet this.) Phone calls and texts are to be conducted away from the public eye — such as in the (otherwise-empty) restroom, the break room, the empty conference room. Exceptions to this are when prompt smart-phone use will rapidly get a group un-lost, alert the restaurant that the party will be unavoidably late and ask them to please hold one’s reservation, or save a life. A passing curiosity or idle bet is not a sufficient reason for hauling out the internet-in-a-box.

Which fork? Your table will always be set in the order in which the cutlery is to be used — from outermost to innermost. If the table is set incorrectly, it’s not your fault — nor your responsibility to correct it. And this is a good general rule of etiquette. (Tweet it).

Eating snails. AKA escargot. If you are at an event where snails are served, you will be provided with a tiny shellfish fork and a pair of tongs to grip the snails. (If no tongs are provided, grip the snail with your fingers – carefully). The shellfish fork will appear on the far-right hand side of your place setting, outside the knife and spoon.

Caviar. This common hors d’oeuvre is salty, and a little goes a long way. Caviar will be properly served on and with ceramic, glass or mother-of-pearl utensils and dishes, since metals will taint the taste. Your serving will be smaller than a tablespoon. Refer to the eggs as “beads,” “berries,” or “grains.” Ready to show off? Spoon your portion onto the V-spot on your hand where the tequila salt usually goes, or on an intimate friend’s upturned wrist.

Tuxedos. Never wear dinner clothes — the proper term for a tuxedo — before 5 o’ clock, no matter what the invitation says. If attending a formal affair that is “black tie optional,” a dark suit will suffice if a tuxedo is not available. All attire should be clean, pressed and fitted — of course.

Introductions, orders of. An often-overlooked pleasantry is the proper order in which to introduce people to one another. When introducing a younger person to an older person, the elder’s name goes first: “Mr. Elder, this is Mr. Younger.” When a man and a woman of roughly the same age are introduced, the woman’s name goes first: “Jennifer, this is Joe. Joe – Jennifer.” Someone who holds a public office or other distinction also gets first billing: “Rabbi Rubenstein, this is my dear friend Paul.” This is one of those small details that can make all the difference in your reputation amongst the well-mannered.

Thanking. It is never inappropriate to write a thank-you note for a pleasant meal or a great party. It should be brief and to the point – one or two lines will do. A gentleman does not deliver these notes via email unless he absolutely has no way of locating the recipients’ home or work address, or finding a third party who can hand-deliver a note to them. If all else fails, an e-mailed thank-you is better than no thank-you at all.

Gifts. The gentleman arrives at an event with a small gift for the host or hostess. If he doesn’t know the hosts’ preferences, an unchilled bottle of wine, or a bouquet of flowers, is appropriate. If the host’s tastes are known, a more personalized gift is best. A jar of favorite mustard or jam, a tin of nuts, a good bottle of whiskey, or a bag of fresh coffee will all suffice. For an extended stay, the gentleman brings a more substantial gift, such as cloth cocktail napkins, an extra corkscrew, a useful kitchen gadget, or an interesting book.

Mr, Ms, Mrs, Miss & Master. Master is a boy under the age of 8 — an obsolescent word, but deliciously refined. Mr. is to be used for males above age 18. Mrs. is for a married woman with no other title (such as Doctor, Professor, Lady, Dame, Baroness, etc.) Miss is used to denote an unmarried woman. Ms is a catch-all designation that is never technically incorrect, and is best used when a woman’s marital status and preference for address are unknown.

Meeting the U.S. President. The proper way to address the president is “Mr.” or “Madame President.” The President’s spouse is referred to with the married name, such as as “Mrs or Mr. Coolidge”. A former president is “Mr. Lincoln,” to offer respect to the current office-holder.

Meeting Royalty. A reigning sovereign, such as the Queen of England, is to be addressed as “Your Majesty” or “Ma’am.” A member of the Royal Family is to be addressed as “Your Royal Highness,” “Ma’am” or “Sir.”

THE RULE TO END ALL RULES: Carefully observe others, and do your best to give them what they want, provided doing so does no harm to anyone else. (Tweet this cardinal rule.) This is known as “social grace,” and it will never go out of style.