We’ve written a lot about how to be gentle: how to listen, how to resolve conflicts non-violently, how to use proper etiquette and manners.
What needs to be addressed now is how to be fierce.
On this site, we use the following definitions of the word “fierce”:
- “resolute or strenuously active”
- “of exceptional quality, exhibiting boldness or chutzpah”
- “showing a heartfelt and powerful intensity”
- “very, excellent”
Most men don’t today know how to be fierce. They are stifled. They’ve been stifled by the social norms of “polite” society.
They know how to be aggressive; they know how to use fake machismo to mask their Fear; but there’s no Fear in Fierce.
That’s what makes the Fierce Gentleman so powerful. He is polite and adheres to the rules of etiquette and manners – but he has also learned to become unstifled. If it becomes necessary or advantageous for him to break the rules of society, he will do it in a heartbeat. He will say what’s true, not what’s expected of him. He will do what’s right, not what’s expedient or easy. (Tweet this.)
Here’s an example. I came across a story recently about a New York writer who confronted another man molesting a 19-year-old girl on a commuter train.
The writer physically (violently) removed this man (the molester) from the train. He then walked the young woman to her bus stop.
Now as much as we wish this writer had used non-violent methods to do this, we have to applaud his actions because they were Fierce. He took a stand; he took action; he solved a real problem. In taking that action, he made the world a little bit safer.
Molesters, street harassers, petty criminals of all types, and even white collar criminals all the way up to the ladder to corrupt politicians all thrive in the protective shadow of our collective inaction.
By taking action, one man can make that shadow shrink.
If he sees what appears to be molestation or any sort of social chicanery going on in a public place, a Fierce Gentleman will check out the situation and, if necessary, drawn loud attention to what is going on. If necessary, he’ll draw in others to change the dynamic of the situation. Any predator-prey scenario on the street can be disrupted non-violently by bringing social pressure — the more the better.
But be aware. Everyone is scared and tired. Scared of getting physically hurt or sued, and tired from a job and a life that grinds them down daily. Don’t expect anyone to jump to your aid – at first. But your example will inspire others. They will follow your leadership. And the power of the group is the ultimate power.
Now, is it easy to actually overcome your social conditioning, and take bold action when you see something “off” in public?
No. It’s hard. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even do it. Because most of the time, like most men, I’m stifled.
That’s why it’s so important for us to become unstifled, to live as free men, not afraid to stand on the courage of our convictions at any given moment.
Here’s a practice that will help you get unstifled: learn to roar.
A roar is a raw vocal expression of essential energy. Most men have never done this. In the first place, most men not connected to their essential masculine energy, so they don’t have access to it to channel it into a vocal expression; and secondly, they are shut down vocally. (Most men aren’t ever taught to breath and speak properly, let alone roar.)
We start with the roar because to successfully roar, you need to build both those foundational abilities: the breath and the raw energy.
So how do you build the raw masculine energy?
Try this exercise from bioenergetics teacher Elliot Hulse:
Like Elliot says in the video, your expression of masculinity isn’t going to look exactly like his. But find your own.
Now that you’ve done that — what’s next? Breathing properly.
I talk a lot about proper diaphragmatic breathing. You should get a qualified vocal coach to teach you how to do this, but in a pinch, here is how it’s done:
- Breath into your lowest belly
- Breath into your back
- Take slow, complete breaths (at least 3 seconds per inhalation)
- Push the breath out as if your diaphragm and lungs are a bellows. The energy is not generated at the throat; it is generated in the belly (almost the pelvis).
Now back to roaring.
Most people associate the word “roar” with “lion.” You aren’t a lion, so you won’t sound like a lion: you’ll sound like a man.
Please do this in a way that will not damage your vocal cords. The energy in your body is enough to damage your body if used improperly, so please only roar after you’ve understood and become accustomed to diaphragmatic breathing.
If you learn to do this safely, it is a cathartic release: channel the energy of your rage, your pain, your anger, your will, up from your balls, through your belly and chest and your neck and out your face. Channel that energy into a powerful stream of pure energy and ROAR.
The first time I did this properly I felt a blissful sensation fill my body; it was like someone had released a powerful drug cocktail in my brain. Years of pain, anger and frustration were pouring out. I was beginning to express the emotional energy I had just internalized for years.
It was pain leaving my body. I was lighter. I was more free. I didn’t have to carry it around with me all the time. I felt relaxed, less tense. Expressive. Self-expressed.
Most men have been internalizing and carrying energy for years. It knots up in our muscles and lodges in our organs and makes us sick. Get it out. Drain the poison out. As the poison drains, your Power returns.
Give yourself permission to roar. Who cares who hears? Who cares what anybody thinks. This world is filled with many noises that we shouldn’t hear – the belching of the diesel trucks hauling pointless plastic items to dehumanizing big-box stores, the grinding of machinery that is cutting down our forests, the clamor of vapid advertising jingles, the clanking of the machinery of consumerism that is plowing our humanity under in order to turn a quick buck.
In that din, who can hear one man roar? In that din, one man’s roar is a welcome song.
Maybe you will join me in roaring today. Maybe other men will. Maybe that roar will become a chorus. And maybe our voice will grow so loud that we can be heard above the dehumanizing whine of an oppressive society. Maybe.
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Also published on Medium.